A piece from Charly Boy. Please read...
Does anyone know how I really feel right now? So alone and empty, God! how I
feel the pain. If you're in the wilderness like me, then you know it can be insane.
Here my eyes are bleeding tears and my smiles are protecting my fears. I can't even
go around and fake happy, because I’m in stagnation and it is hitting me from all
direction. There is this disturbing feeling that time is passing me by, yet I’m
paralyzed, I can't move and I can't think too far. At nights I can't sleep too easy,
my heart is sore and my mind perpetually clustered with things that leave me
shaking. Oh God! Why? I have prayed, I have fasted but nothing has changed, and
it's almost a year now. My dreams are nothing but nightmares of all the negatives
in this wilderness. What's happening to me? Look at me, I have always enjoyed
comforting and giving directions to people in pain, right now I can't even save
myself and I have refused to take my own pills.
Na so life be? On top of all of this, I’m so f.....king broke it’s a shame. No! It's not
just that I’m low in cash, but most importantly, it is about being in this state of
helplessness, I’m not too proud to ask anyone for favour, but who will believe I
need financial help when they have put me on such a high pedestal. Wow, is this a
case of Grace to Grass? Who would guess I’m dying slowly when all they can see
is my biceps and triceps. I have always been the joy giver, I have put smiles on
millions of faces and have inspired and motivated an army of youths, yet I can’t
seem to talk myself out of this rot, out of this wilderness, hummmmm!! Why won't
this feeling of hopelessness leave me alone, I know I can do more than I’m doing
for now, I know I deserve more. Too many times I have asked God, why me, why
do I have to go through this wilderness. I am hardworking, forward looking,
positive thinking, so why do I have to suffer like this. Is it the system or is it me,
what the heck is this dark cloud that has come over me. I no longer look forward
to or getting out of my bed, because a new day comes without hope.
Nothing seems to make sense anymore; nothing around me inspires me again. I
feel like I’m vegetating, I feel as if I I’m glued to this limbo, with no hope of an
escape. Now I’m hugging myself, not sharing myself with my loved ones because I
am suddenly taking out my frustrations on the people around me. Oh! Lord I must
take control of my life; again, I must escape from this wilderness.
Does this sound a bit or a lot like your story right now? Are you in that dark place
in your life, where everything more or less seems to be grinding to a halt and you
don't know what to do? Well it happens to the best of us. I have learnt that in all
things, one should give thanks. Most of the time we are not entirely grateful for
what we possess, because we always believe that we need more than we have right
now. If this is the case, we will continue to need more. This circle will perpetuate as
long as our mind believes it’s true. If we focus on what we have and not what we
lack, we will always have enough, because it will always be enough. Yes it is hard
to stay cool when things are not sitting right the way we would like in our lives. We
are the one who loses in the end, if we lose the lesson. Shey you dey feel my yarn?
In this wilderness I have learnt that a rich man is not someone who has the most,
but someone who needs the least. Yesooooooo!!!!! I’m sharing all this with you so
I can feel lighter. We will always have problems, often tested by circumstances
outside our control, but we certainly can control our reaction to those situations.
We have the power because our inner world (cause) affects the influence we allow
the outer world (effect) to have on us. Being in the wilderness is always a result of
anxiety about the uncertain future. So stop and ask yourself. "What's the specific
uncertainty that is causing me to be afraid" once you have identified that
uncertainty, it is usually easier to simply accept its presence in your life, just for
the time being. I know that life is about the journey and not the arrival. We don't
need to arrive if we accept that we are already there. Not everyone woke up this
morning and not everyone is going to bed tonight. Life has no guarantees; every
minute we are living is a blessing that has to be experienced in the moment. It's
not always easy, but it's always an option a choice. Your choice.
