Many women are in abusive relationships
behind closed doors and suffer in silence
because they are afraid or have too much to
lose if they walk away. If you are one of these
women then this is for you. I know sometimes a
man may threaten to take your kids or kill you
if you leave him.
You may even be stuck in the mud because you
care too deeply about him to leave or care too
much about the financial security or social
standing that comes with being this person’s
partner but self-preservation is key and many
times abuse has escalated to manslaughter with
the woman being the victim. Even if he doesn’t
kill you, what happens to your self-respect,
your peace of mind and your health? The scars
he leaves are not always concealed with some
makeup and clothing, many of them are
emotional and linger far longer than the
painful memories which you hasten to erase. I
know, you know the best thing to do is leave
him, to run away as fast as you can and never
look back but sometimes it’s not as easy as it
looks and I can understand that. Sometimes
there’s no escape and I get that. But all hope is
not lost. Here are 7 things that will help you
survive an abusive relationship and I do hope
at least one of them is able to give you hope and
more importantly a plan!
1. Financial Freedom: In my line of work, I
have met dozens of abused women and it’s sad
that most of these women were old timers. It
wasn’t their first time in a hospital but when I
asked why they still stayed, they’d hang their
heads and say they had no means of taking care
of themselves or their kids if they left. If you
are in an abusive relationship, you need to plan
an escape and realistically we know you ain’t
going anywhere if you don’t have any money so
how do you get some if you are a housewife
with no sustenable income? 3 things:
- Save
- Sell
- Borrow
Save a little of any money that enters your
hand. Cut down the grocery shopping or any
shopping you do. Even if you save a little at a
time, as the little pile increases so will your
hope for freedom and if there is nothing to save
cos some men give no allowances for you to
hide some money away then sell something
valuable that you possess. The opportunity cost
isn’t hard to deduce after all your grand
mother’s necklace is of no use to you if you are
dead! And if you have nothing of value, find
someone who can give you a loan or just spare
some cash. You never know how helpful people
can be till you ask.
2. Admit & Confide: This is perhaps one of the
hardest things to do but you need to admit to
yourself that you deserve better than this and
actually see your relationship for what it really
is. You need to stop feeling sorry for your man
(he isn’t the one getting pulverised is he?) or
defending his actions and most of all you need
to work up the nerve to confide in someone. It
could be a member of the family, a good friend
or colleague or just someone you trust and most
importantly I’d suggest it was someone who
could give some practical help and not just
sympathize.
3. Fight Back: Men who abuse women are
essentially cowards. You need to learn to fight
back. You could learn boxing or karate which
teach techniques that can help you overpower
someone who is physically stronger than you or
attend a self-defence class where you can learn
about the sensitive points on a man’s body that
have maximum impact when hit and if all else
fails, a kick to the balls may stall him enough
for you to escape his angry fists but I must
warn you that there’s a thin line between
subduing and aggravating him and if you
choose to fight back your technique has to be
good enough to scare the hell out of him or else
he’ll come after you like an infuriated beast.
4. Dig up Dirt: Everybody has secrets, find one
about him that compels him to behave. You
could warn him that if he ever hits you again,
you would expose his secret and makesure the
evidence is somewhere beyond his reach and in
the hands of someone who will make it public
if she suddenly stops hearing from you (lest he
murder you). Blackmail in any form is
underhanded and not to be encouraged but this
is a desperate situation and I am sure we can
make an exception.
5. Gather Evidence: Most wife beaters keep a
calm, cool exterior far removed from their
actual personality and many times when news
of his abuse becomes public, it’s easy for him to
deny it or just blame the woman for pushing
him too far which is why you need evidence.
This is the era of smart phones and other
electronic devices and if you can hide a cam to
make a sex video surely you can hide one to
make an abuse video. Women who have lived
with abusive men will tell you that they know
just when he is going to hit them or what would
surely trigger the abuse so rather than
cowering in fear waiting for your man to come
home and beat you up because you bashed the
car, set a video camera in place. Being forced to
watch a video of him hitting you along with the
rest of the world might just be the cure he
needs (YouTube is your friend!)
6. The 3rd Party: Most men will not abuse a
woman if there’s someone else present so it
would be a good idea to invite your mother in
law or a relation to stay with you. You could
hint that you don’t want the person letting your
husband know it was your idea but that you
would really appreciate the company. It would
also be a good idea to pick a respected relative
or one from his side of the family.
7. Pray Until Something Happens (P.U.S.H): God
does answer prayers and while you are at it, go
for some counselling sessions. These are
surprisingly helpful and some men might even
agree to come along. The Bible says that a gentle
answer turneth away wrath. Avoid getting into
arguments anyway you can. Sometimes to see
the change we desire, the change must begin
with us.
I know many women would rather suffer in
silence than leave their marriages and yes there
are others who saw the signs before they got
married but hoped he would change. If you do
choose to stay, remember that your life, health
and happiness are a priority. There is no shame
in seeking refuge!
