I know domestic violence is an affliction that many women face in
their marriages today. I also know that behind the façade of a blissful
and happy marriage that most women portray in the public lurks the
horror of a violent and sadistic husband. For many of these women,
violent abuse by their husbands is their worst kept secret. For many
of these women, marriage has become bondage - a trap to keep them
subjugated.
But they must keep up appearances and endure a violent husband
because the society frowns at divorce. For most women who are
victims of violence, the thought of their home fills them with horror.
The sight of their husbands makes their heart jump. It is a
nightmarish dream they wished would end soon. But they are too
horrified and traumatised to leave.
In the last few days, reports of some mind-boggling tales of domestic
violence have left me in shock. Spousal violence has also led me into
asking some hard questions about a scourge that is turning many
Nigerian women into endangered species.
A few questions come to mind as I searched for answers to this
terrible scourge. Why do some men batter their wives? Is it right to hit
a woman whom the man had sworn to love and cherish? What could
make a man hit a woman that cannot be settled amicably? Is violence
in marriage a way to resolving dispute? Why do women stay with men
who cause them trauma and injuries through constant battering? Are
men who beat up their wives insane or psychologically unstable? Is
woman battering hereditary?
These questions have become necessary when one considers the rate
of domestic violence in many Nigerian homes today. There is no need
looking any further to confirm that women are being abused daily by
their husbands. On a daily basis, news of domestic violence continues
to grab the headlines-some have led to maiming, physical
incapacitation and even death. But those are the ones in the public
domain. The other category of domestic violence is those we don’t
hear about. But they do happen anyway. They occur in homes where
the women have been so traumatised that they could not bring
themselves to reporting to the authorities or the media for the fear of
their abusive husbands.
Domestic violence also cuts across social divide. It is perpetrated by
even the elite-be it political, social, and economic and the well-
heeled. There have been cases where even so called “men of God’’
turn their wives into punching bags. Recently, a case of domestic
violence which was brought to the attention of a court in Lagos
caught my attention. The victim had narrated how she had been a
victim of perennial battering from her husband in their 10 years old
marriage. The woman had confessed how she had been the victim of
vicious beatings from her husband. As I read the story, the part that
left me in shock was when she revealed how her husband had
battered her even while pregnant. At another time she said, with tears
flowing, how she endured many miscarriages because of constant
beatings. It was horrifying. She said her husband beat her even while
nursing their baby. The judge, who found it hard to believe her story,
asked the reason behind her violent beatings. The reasons were
flimsy.
According to her, she could be battered if his meal was not on time.
She could be beaten during a simple argument or over the choice of
television channel. She said her husband once got angry and beat her
to stupor on a day his favourite English Premiership team lost! The
husband who could not offer any cogent explanation for his constant
fit of rage only begged her for forgiveness. But the woman who had
found her voice was adamant in asking for a divorce.
I thought she should have quit the marriage a long time ago. Why
stay in an abusive marriage? I have personally witnessed another
case of brutality a woman suffered in the hands of her violent
husband. For all the years I had known the couple, the woman was
constantly in and out of hospital because of the beatings she received
from her violent husband. At first, the recluse couple kept it as a
secret but it soon became public knowledge when she suffered broken
bones after she was thrown down from the staircase and almost broke
her neck. Surprisingly, she never left her husband in spite of entreaties
from friends and neighbours.
Cases of spousal abuse have become rampant in recent times. It is
also prevalent among unmarried couples. Boys are used to beating up
their girlfriends. These young women are often too vulnerable to stand
up to their abusive men. They have accepted it as the norm. Once it
was reported how a man beat up his wife and in his fit of jealous rage
poured acid on her. In Akwa Ibom State, one man dealt a heavy
machete blow on his wife on the allegation that she was unfaithful.
Now, the question I have often asked is what punishment should be
meted out to the man if he was the one found to be unfaithful? I
guess it’s a man’s world around here. Domestic violence has also
bordered on the extreme.
The celebrated case of one Gbenga Arowolo who was alleged to have
stabbed his banker wife to death in 2011 has reached its climax in a
Lagos court. The statistics have also shown that husband-on-wife
violence is endemic. According to the United Nations Population
Fund, about 50 per cent of women are said to have been battered by
their husbands. Intriguingly, most educated women (65 per cent) as
compared to their low income counterpart (55 per cent) are being
abused. A staggering 95.2 per cent of abused women in Nigeria do
not report cases of domestic violence. The law has also failed to
protect women against domestic violence. For example, only Ebonyi,
Jigawa, Cross Rivers and Lagos states have signed the Violence
against Women, Prevention, Protection and Prohibition Bill into law.
Another form of violence is matrimonial rape. This is not even
recognised by the laws in Nigeria as of today and there is no talk
about it. How can a man who during courtship promised to cherish
and take care of his woman turn her tormentor? At what point does a
marriage degenerate into a free-for-all? At what point does love take
flight and is replaced by hate and violence? It is strange how a man
can hit a woman so violently as to maim her. One intriguing factor in
this domestic violence issue is the way in which the victims are so
powerless that they cannot resist or quit. Some victims will also stay
in the marriage in the hope that the man will change. Some will even
hide their injuries from friends and family. Some have even defended
their violence husband. I have also heard excuses while women
cannot quit their violent husbands. I consider these excuses lame and
weird.
The family, church, friends and the victims themselves all share the
blame. There is no excuse that can justify hitting another human
being, let alone one’s wife? There is also no excuse to justify why a
woman should remain with an abusive husband. The excuse that the
children will suffer or that the dominant religions frown at divorce will
not suffice. It also does not matter what the society feels about
divorce. Who feels it knows it. Why live with a violent husband if you
will end up maimed, blinded, incapacitated or even dead?
For me, no marriage is worth the trouble when violence has replaced
love. Now, a word of advice for the abusive husbands and boyfriends
reading this, it is a mark of cowardice to hit any woman. It is also a
sign of insanity. You may have to get your heads examined. For the
abused wife, I know that you have been told that marriage is for
‘’better and for worse.’’ But the Biblical injunction does not include
violence. Leave that abusive husband now before death does you part.
BY BAYO OLUPOHUNDA
Source: Punch
twitter: @bayoolupohunda.
