Men & Women: How To Manage Your In-Laws and Live In Peace

In Nigeria, a man’s in-laws are major part of the family. In some
cultures, a man’s in laws are perceived as his gods. When you are in
a long-term committed relationship, it is inevitable that you and your
lover interact with each other’s families. Some men, though, never
leave the influence of their families – especially their mothers, the
tension of this tends to create problems that bubble just beneath the
surface, exploding when other situations in the relationship are tense.
The easiest way to avoid in-law problems is to...
Establish friendly but strict boundaries. But for these boundaries to
work, you and your man both have to enforce them. If that were easy
to do and he could be relied on, there would not be the tension that
exists. Add to this mess, fundamental personality conflicts, and you
have the basis for something that could destroy your relationship.
There are many common in-law problems that a wife or girlfriend has
to deal with, and there are some solutions that can at least make
these bad situations less destructive to a love partnership.
Sometimes, mothers-in-law show up and try to take charge. What do
you do if your mother-in-law shows up with ideas different form yours
on how to run the house? What if she insists some household
products are not necessary, and you realise that they are necessary
for you to keep house ? Or that she thinks her son is spending too
much money on running the house or taking care of you?
While you have to interact with his family, distance can help. If you
treat her with respect and deference when on neutral territory, you can
assert control over your own domain. Also, having other engagements
that force you to leave as she is arriving (real or imagined
engagements) might make her feel unwelcome without having to take
it to a confrontation.
When it comes to visiting his mother, he is in charge. Relinquish any
responsibility for making time for the visit and planning the trip to her
place. Cooperate of course, and even encourage him to get there
early. This will make leaving on time all the more easy.
If he complains that you do not cook like his mother or clean like his
mother, it might be time to think back to some conversations you
have had with him. He might have griped about his mother in the
past. This is the perfect time to bring up the things he has said he
dislikes about his family. You are his partner, not his mother and he
needs to be firmly reminded of this in as direct terms as possible.
While the two of you are a couple, there are things of yours that he is
not entitled to lend. If you two have a joint bank account, he has no
right lending money from that to a relative. If he lends a relative his
own money and then is unable to pay bills or contribute to the
relationship as before, this situation needs to be addressed. He needs
to be the one to take charge in asking for the loan to be repaid or
valuable property be returned.
One secret to make mooching relatives go away is to be careful in
sharing the successes you have in life. If you brag about your new
promotion or show off your wealth in any way, those less well off than
you might be envious. And some of your husband or boyfriend’s
relations might be so bold as to ask for some of what you have
earned. Consider it the admission price to bragging rights.
As much or more, tension can occur when you are on the borrowing
side of an in-law money-lending situation. When your in-laws loan
you money, they may have the feeling that they can tell you what to
do with your lives. Often, with an employment situation that involves
working for your in-laws, your job doesn’t end once you leave the
shop or office. Suddenly, you are expected to fulfill all sorts of
domestic demands from your new business .
The only way out of this is to pay off what you owe and get away from
relationships that have a suffocating effect on you. Or better yet, just
never borrow money from an in-law. Pressure to have children is the
number one source of tension between in-laws and the woman who
marries their son. In Nigeria and the entire Africa, marriage
fundamentally means that a couple will be procreating.
This subject needs to be thoroughly discussed and agreed upon
before you two even announce your engagement. If you have two or
three children and an in-law is pressuring you to have more against
your will, you have to either ignore this pressure or insist that your
spouse address it along with you to the person who wants to direct
your reproductive activity.
Expectations are one of the most important reasons to meet and
mingle with his parents before you go too far in a relationship
commitment. If they have expectations that you will be adhering to
specific cultural norms that differ greatly from yours, this needs to be
confronted, examined and understood by everyone, most importantly
your spouse.
Even after marriage, a mother-in-law might insist that you live up to
certain religious or ethnic ideals in your dress, diet or habit.
Understand that many people use these moral codes as a way to butt
in to your private life. Once you let her butt in, she will never butt out.
Do not challenge your in-laws on this most sensitive subject, but do
not let them oppress you with their cultural ideals.