I am not a
sex therapist.
That’s my
disclaimer.
But, I did
have a really
interesting
conversation
with a female friend
of mine recently.
She’s never been married. She’s in her mid-30s. She’s dating a
guy who is divorced and in his early 40s. At this point, they both
have a lot of life experience under their belts (and you should read
that figuratively as well as literally!).
Things are starting to get serious between the two of them. In
other words, she knows that they are getting close to sleeping
together (in every meaning of that phrase), and she asked me this:
“At what point do you discuss if they have any venereal diseases
before you have sex with them?” Again, I’m not a sex therapist.
I’m not a marriage therapist. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a minister.
I sometimes shake my head in wonder at the things people ask
me!
At first, I wasn’t sure how to answer her question. My immediate
response was to jump to what I tell my kids – God intends sexual
intercourse to be between a husband and a wife. It’s an intimate
part of a spousal relationship. I quickly realized that, with all
judgment cast aside, that line wouldn’t necessarily work. One of
them has already been married, and the two of them having been
in the dating scene for many years.
My second response (almost as immediate as my first) was to say,
“You have that conversation WAY WAY WAY before you sleep with
him!” Sexual intercourse is incredibly intimate. Having a
conversation prior to that about sexual history and disease should
not be more uncomfortable in any way shape or form than taking
off your clothes and being naked in front of each other. Think
about it! Why do we seem to assume that difficult conversations
would be, or should be, more awkward, more intimate, more
embarrassing, or more raw than actual nudity and sex!?!? It’s
crazy — especially when you consider what is at stake! What is at
stake could be a matter of life or death, or could certainly alter the
course of your life forever.
I encouraged my friend to think about the fact that if she and her
“friend” were comfortable enough with each other to consider
having sex, then certainly they could handle (and should be able
to handle) what might seem to be a difficult (or perhaps better
labeled as an “uncomfortable”) conversation about their health
and sexual histories.
I also suggested that if having this conversation were too difficult,
then perhaps they weren’t ready to even experience the physical
intimacy required when embarking on a sexual relationship. If
verbal intimacy can’t be achieved, then I don’t think anything can
be gained by jumping straight to physical intimacy.
It was an interesting conversation, but one that really made me
stop and think about things from a religious, moral, and practical
perspective. I’m glad my friend is thinking about this, and I’m glad
she asked the question. I hope she is contemplating our
discussion, and taking it to her boyfriend to stimulate an even
more robust conversation – about their relationship, about
whether they are ready to have sex, about their health, and about
their future.
She then asked a second question: “What if he lies?” Oh boy.
Sadly, I know people who have lied. After marriage. About what
diseases they may carry. That gets at trust … trust from day one. I
feel badly for anyone in this situation. To find out years into a
marriage that you were lied to about something as important as
this certainly serves to impact the entire marital relationship and
the sanctity upon which it was built. Like I said, I’m not a
marriage therapist, so I’m going to leave that one for the
professionals.
My bottom line is this: have the conversation! Ask the questions
you need to have answered before the point in which you NEED to
know the answers!
sex therapist.
That’s my
disclaimer.
But, I did
have a really
interesting
conversation
with a female friend
of mine recently.
She’s never been married. She’s in her mid-30s. She’s dating a
guy who is divorced and in his early 40s. At this point, they both
have a lot of life experience under their belts (and you should read
that figuratively as well as literally!).
Things are starting to get serious between the two of them. In
other words, she knows that they are getting close to sleeping
together (in every meaning of that phrase), and she asked me this:
“At what point do you discuss if they have any venereal diseases
before you have sex with them?” Again, I’m not a sex therapist.
I’m not a marriage therapist. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a minister.
I sometimes shake my head in wonder at the things people ask
me!
At first, I wasn’t sure how to answer her question. My immediate
response was to jump to what I tell my kids – God intends sexual
intercourse to be between a husband and a wife. It’s an intimate
part of a spousal relationship. I quickly realized that, with all
judgment cast aside, that line wouldn’t necessarily work. One of
them has already been married, and the two of them having been
in the dating scene for many years.
My second response (almost as immediate as my first) was to say,
“You have that conversation WAY WAY WAY before you sleep with
him!” Sexual intercourse is incredibly intimate. Having a
conversation prior to that about sexual history and disease should
not be more uncomfortable in any way shape or form than taking
off your clothes and being naked in front of each other. Think
about it! Why do we seem to assume that difficult conversations
would be, or should be, more awkward, more intimate, more
embarrassing, or more raw than actual nudity and sex!?!? It’s
crazy — especially when you consider what is at stake! What is at
stake could be a matter of life or death, or could certainly alter the
course of your life forever.
I encouraged my friend to think about the fact that if she and her
“friend” were comfortable enough with each other to consider
having sex, then certainly they could handle (and should be able
to handle) what might seem to be a difficult (or perhaps better
labeled as an “uncomfortable”) conversation about their health
and sexual histories.
I also suggested that if having this conversation were too difficult,
then perhaps they weren’t ready to even experience the physical
intimacy required when embarking on a sexual relationship. If
verbal intimacy can’t be achieved, then I don’t think anything can
be gained by jumping straight to physical intimacy.
It was an interesting conversation, but one that really made me
stop and think about things from a religious, moral, and practical
perspective. I’m glad my friend is thinking about this, and I’m glad
she asked the question. I hope she is contemplating our
discussion, and taking it to her boyfriend to stimulate an even
more robust conversation – about their relationship, about
whether they are ready to have sex, about their health, and about
their future.
She then asked a second question: “What if he lies?” Oh boy.
Sadly, I know people who have lied. After marriage. About what
diseases they may carry. That gets at trust … trust from day one. I
feel badly for anyone in this situation. To find out years into a
marriage that you were lied to about something as important as
this certainly serves to impact the entire marital relationship and
the sanctity upon which it was built. Like I said, I’m not a
marriage therapist, so I’m going to leave that one for the
professionals.
My bottom line is this: have the conversation! Ask the questions
you need to have answered before the point in which you NEED to
know the answers!
PLEASE HELP US SHARE THIS ARTICLE
About the Author
0Awesome Comments!